IT'S MY LIFE

It's December 27th. There are not too many days left of the old year and a new year begins with a fresh start. I love the thought of the "fresh start"...that feeling that comes over me the day after Christmas and I want to clean the house of all the Christmas decorations and push the sofa out away from the wall, scrubbing beneath what has to have been a month's worth of dust that has accumulated underneath.

I was just sitting in my recliner thinking about how reticent I have been to write anything on my blog for such a long time. I seem to fall into that category of "too busy" most days but then when I think about "too busy with what" it makes me wonder: what is important to me and why do I set things aside that I am really interested in?

Last year my Uncle Cy passed away and left me a small amount of money. I had always said that if he did, I would purchase a building for myself that I could call my studio and I would have a private place to create art and just "be". Well, the studio has been set up at the far end of the backyard but much to my dismay I haven't found the time to get out there as often as I would like. I guess I have writer's block but in a more generalized way. It feels more like a time block.

Lately, I have found time to read a new Stephen King novel, attend some art classes at a local facility, and I even had some time to do some pre-holiday baking. I didn't feel rushed either. But I didn't find the time to sit here at my computer and write a post to my blog. And I really don't know why.  Is it truly writer's block or is there something more profound to the reason why I don't take the time to write?

The older I get the more selfish I seem to be with my time. I look at my mother who is twenty years older than me and I think how close she has come to the end of her life this past year. She has been in the hospital four times in 2013 and each time took her a little farther down. It takes longer to come back when you are in your eighties. "Bouncing back" doesn't seem to be an option. "Holding your own" is even quite difficult. Perhaps settling for just being here and alive is enough. She doesn't seem to want to learn anything new. She balks at the idea of traveling any longer (too afraid to get on a plane she says). "What have you got to lose?" I think to myself.

Life is a stange gift. When you are young you think that you will live forever and then before you know it, you look back and twenty, thirty, forty years have passed. Before you know it your options have dwindled down to less. Before you know it you don't have the time that you thought you did and you had better get doing all those things you set aside when you were young and had plenty of time.

Time...what a strange word or concept that is. Can I equate time with life? If I have "enough time" does that give me "more life"? Time seems to be a word that was made up to help people understand their limits. There are twenty-four hours in a day so we divide it all up into seconds, minutes and hours so that we can fit enough of what we need to accomplish into those divisions. But life? How do I justify spending my life, my gift? How do I reconcile what I want to do each day, each hour, each second of what I have every day that I wake up and I'm given another "day" (and night)?

I'm thinking that each day that I wake up has to be a fresh new day...a fresh start. I need to wake up with enthusiasm and zeal and ask myself "what do I want to accomplish this day" It doesn't have to be a huge accomplishment. Reading a book all day could be enough. Or relaxing on the front porch with a cup of coffee in my hand, listening to the birds. Or perhaps I would like to learn a new word or create a piece of art. Or do absolutely nothing but realize while doing "nothing" that I am actually doing "something". Something so simple, so special as making a choice. That's really what it all comes down to for me. Choice.

Choice shouldn't be something that is dictated by someone else...only me. After all: it is MY choice, isn't it? How I choose to live each day, how I choose to spend my time, how I choose to live my life...they are all personal. And all personal choices. Each one is a gift. Each one is a FRESH NEW START.

I choose life.

I'M JUST WONDERING....

 What in the heck is a Puppet Rodeo? Should I Google it and see if it really exists? Hmmmm...

 I just might!

This vehicle sits down in Newcastle, California behind a chain-link fence how but suprisingly enough, when I did Google it, I got a few hits for the exact same vehicle. It seems that I am not the only one who has been curious about it.

These are a couple of images that I found when I Googled "Levi's Puppet Rodeo". It seems that it was a real hit in 1939 at the Treasure Island Fair in San Francisco.

And there is proof !

The license plate says: California World's Fair 39

What an incredible amount of history sits right down the road from me, not more than 15 minutes away. And all this time I just thought it was a unique-looking vehicle, stopped to take a few photos of it one afternoon, and it lead me to do this research on it. I'm sure there is more to find out. 

Has anyone ever seen anything like this before? So unusual and unique, at least it seems unique. But maybe there were more than one of them. Or not!

PORTAL

I'm not sure what I actually see in this photo. When I look out my living room window, I see this grouping of trees but there, in the distance, is this oak tree that has formed this weird, circular area in the very middle of it. It seems odd to me...not just that there is something missing in the center but that for some reason, the entire center has formed this perfect circle...a portal of sorts. But to where exactly? And why? And do I actually see it...this "empty" space or are my eyes fooling me? After all...I realize that we each can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different. Everything is up to personal interpretation.

And then there is the recent problem with my eyesight that plagues me. I have had diabetes for awhile now and even though I take very good care of myself and exercise and eat properly, there is always that nagging thought in the back of my mind "that some day I might lose my eyesight". I have seen it happen to other people that I know who are diabetics and it is not an easy thing to have happen to you, especially when you consider yourself an artist and need your eyes for so many things. We all need our eyes but it seems like a cruel joke for an artist to lose eyesight. Or a gardener who loves to pull weeds!!

I first noticed that there was something wrong with my eye a few months ago but I passed it off as just some blurry vision or dry eyes. I even thought that maybe I just needed a new prescription in my glasses. Maybe that was all it was. But then one day while driving up the freeway, I noticed that if I shut my left eye and just used my right eye exclusively, the entire fast lane of the freeway disappeared, including the cars that were there if I opened up my left eye. Back and forth, open and close, until I was sure that there was some "blank spot" in my vision. A scary thought, to be sure. I thought I might be experiencing macular degeneration or something more serious. So, I made an appointment with a specialist and he diagnosed me with a condition called Common Serous Retinopathy, which is basically a water bubble in my retina and it is brought on by stress produced from the hormone cortisol....you know...that nasty hormone that makes your mid-section larger.

So, I have been slowly trying to eliminate stress in my life but it seems like it just keeps following me around. I can't seem to leave it in the background unfortunately. My Mom has been in the hospital two times in the last couple of months and she continues to lose weight and require more care than she did previously. What is that term...the Sandwich Generation? That's exactly where I seem to be at the present time...caught between...in the middle.

But...to get back to my "portal". I imagine, when I look at this, that it is a place that I can go or that something else can come through. And that it was sent here just for me to use. I have never seen anything like this before anywhere that I have been. I used to lay in my claw-foot bathtub in my previous home and stare out at the trees and I always saw a myriad of things in those trees. There were faces looking back at me. I saw complete heads and American Indian headdresses. Men with long hair and beards. I even started taking my sketch pad in the bathtub with me so that when the faces "appeared" as I gazed out the window, that I could just pick up my pencil and jot down what I saw. And always they appeared in exactly the same place every time. Sometimes when the seasons would change the faces would take on a different appearance because the leaves would fall off. But I could always make out some sort of picture from what was in my vision of the trees outside my window.

I wonder if other people have this happen to them when they gaze outside their windows? When I was in high school I used to lay outside on the lawn or on the deck and see faces or animals in the clouds. Lots of people have done this, I'm sure. I also used to concentrate on breaking up the clouds that would appear in the sky. I would focus on a single cloud as it was travelling in the sky and I would squint my eyes and think to myself "dissolve" and invariably the cloud would totally disappear. Now, maybe it was going to dissipate anyway but it felt exciting to think that I just might have the power to blast a cloud into thin air. You know what they say don't you? THE POSSIBILITIESARE ENDLESS!

And so...each day when I sit in my recliner in the living room and I'm facing the window with the view of the trees, I imagine the possibilities of the places I could travel if I stepped into the portal and transported to another realm. On the other side I could be anyone I wanted to be. I could be any place that I wanted to be. I could time travel to another galaxy if I wanted. Most days I am happy to just dream about where I would like to be. But some days I close my eyes (I don't think I fall asleep!) and I am there...living another life altogether, in a different body, carefree!

"Congratulations!
Today is your day.
You're off to Great Places!
You're off and away!

You have brains in your head.
You have feet in your shoes.
You can steer yourself,
Any direction you choose.

You're on your own.
And you know what you know.
And YOU are the guy
Who'll decide where to go."

                 Dr. Seuss

"Sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simple".     Dr. Seuss