WHO AM I?

Isn't this a question we all ask outselves from time-to-time? I know I have wondered about this almost all my life and have questioned it on many levels.

Today, as I listen to the news (of which I don't really like to do but it seems like it is necessary to try to sort things out and try and answer that age-old question "Why", I try and understand about someone else's motives, someone else's thoughts. But we may never know. What I do know is about me and my motives, my thoughts, my process about trying to figure out the questions that I have about "ME", because essentially, that is all I can ever know. I can never know someone else no matter how well I know them or think that I understand them.

The above piece was the third posting on Seth Apter's blog and is featured in his blog this morning among many other people who sent in artwork to Seth. You can view my work and the work of many others there at www.thealteredpage.blogspot.comwww.thealteredpage.blogspot.com. For now, I leave you with the explanation that I wrote for Seth.
"I am living on the west coast. Torn in many directions. Conflicted, fearful, anxious, unsure of myself. Searching new directions. Searching new paths."

What I do know about "ME" is that I am happy that I found art in my life. I am happy that I am able to express my self in a healthy way with my art. I am able to question "ME" but throwing a bit of paint and objects up on a canvas, sewing threads with my grandmother's treadle sewing machine. It helps me make sense of the why's. Why am I hear? Why do I do that? Why does someone else do that?

Life is so confusing and complex but if you have a healthy outlet to express yourself you really have a platform in which you can ask the world all these questions. Mary-Helen-Fernandez Stewart is right "Art Saves Lives". I feel so lucky to have this outlet to explore and ask all the questions I need to or want to. I don't always get the answers I am looking for but I do have the opportunity to explore and question. That seems to be enough. Thanks Seth for allowing us to question ourselves and giving us a healthy place to do it. I am forever grateful!

IN MEMORIAM

We're almost half-way through December already and it became clear to me that in the past year (since December of 2011) I have lost so many people. And the list is actually longer if I would consider the people that I heard about but I didn't personally know. But, I wanted to at least put the names down of those that I knew and loved who passed away so quietly, so gracefully, so loved in 2012. I will never forget any of you.

JACK ANDERSON---FIRE CHIEF

MARY GULLEY PACHECO---FRIEND SINCE HIGH SCHOOL

KELLY KAWASHIMA---FRIEND AND FELLOW BASEBALL PLAYER

SANDY--CO-WORKER AT HALLMARK

DELBERT-CO-WORKER AT PLACER COUNTY

KIRBY ROOT--FRIEND AND MENTOR

KEN COMPTON--CO-WORKER AT PLACER COUNTY

VINCE CHIODO-HUSBAND TO COUSIN KATHLEEN

TOM MC LELLEN--FRIEND AT CHURCH

RUBY MAE--GREAT GRANDMOTHER TO NATALIE AND MAE

UNCLE CY--MY LAST REMAINING RELATIVE ON PATERNAL SIDE

TRAVIS--HUSBAND AND FATHER OF TWO

TRACI--DAUGHTER TO CINDY

HERMAN OSORIO--CO-WORKER AT HALLMARK AND DEAR FRIEND

JOHN O'NEAL--LIFE-LONG FRIEND SINCE CHILDHOOD

JOHN HEMPHILL--NEIGHBOR

JOYCE MC LELLEN--WIFE TO TOM AND FRIEND AT CHURCH

HAWKEYE SHARPE--FRIEND AT CHURCH

STEVE KESSLER--FRIEND AND FELLOW FIRE-FIGHTER

ARMAND FENECK--FATHER TO JANET AND JUDY, FRIEND TO MANY OTHERS

WHAT IF...

...you woke up one morning and everything had changed? Would you know what to do, who to thank, who to make amends to (and on and on?)

Would you want your life to wither away and dry up, wizened and wrinkled?

These thoughts came to me today. I guess because of all the current happenings in my life I have had the chance to think more about them than usual. But, just like any other day...I do think about them a lot. Some people refer to me as being negative. I view myself as being a realist. I think about the possibilities, prepare for the worst, and hope for the best. At least then I am prepared mentally...I have an idea of how I will respond.

But, I have diverged from my original intent here. What I intended was to offer my apologies to any (and all) I have ever harmed or hurt in any way, ask for forgiveness, and hope for the best. I don't mean that if I had a stroke tomorrow I would want anyone I am not speaking to at the present time to feel guilty in any way and rush to my side and help me...to the contrary. I would wish things to remain as they are but have them be aware that I forgive them (as I hope they would forgive me too) and know that life has just happened in a way that sometimes we all don't really understand.

We may not always understand the reasons why or how, but life has a way of working itself out in sometimes mysterious ways. Does that make me a bad person? Does that make YOU a bad person? Absolutely not. It just makes us human. And that's all anyone can ever ask...to be human is to be real.

It's nice to know that a person can wake up one day and realize that it is an important time to say what needs to be said. One just never knows what each day or moment holds. Take advantage of the time you have and say all that needs to be said, either in person or virtually. Eventually it will get to the right person at the right time. And if not...at least YOU said what needed to be said. And that's all that one can hope for.

Don't wither away thinking that someone else has to make the first move. Take a step to preserve what it is you really need to say or do. Hips can be mended and so can hearts. Don't wither on the vine.

IT'S ALL GOOD

Yesterday I was one of the featured artists on Seth Apter's blog. I have posted about him quite often here and have purchased some of his art for myself. He is one creative person, that's for sure. And such a supporter of so many artisits out there.

You can go to his blog to read what the question was that he posted that prompted the work that I (and so many others) sent in to him. Each piece was 5 X 5 and we relinquished the art to him. No big deal really. Except that I have always had a hard time relinquishing my work. I don't like to let go of it, I don't like to show it to others, I just like to do it and somehow, I always feel really connected to what I create and get quite possessive of it. So, when I say "no big deal" really...it is tongue-in-cheek.

I enjoy the process of creating art but in this period of my life it seems that the ideas are flowing but the work is not. I babysit my granddaughter and by the end of the day...I am exhausted. Not much time left for art. But, I file away the ideas either in a sketch book or in my brain, and hope that one day I will have the time to really devote to what I would like to say. In the meantime, I do the best I can to post things (occasionally) to my blog. That seems to have fallen by the wayside lately too. With Bill having emergency surgery on his hip and my having to do so much of the stuff that needs to be done around here (although as I am typing this I hear the vacuum running in the living room...he is getting better really quickly) there just isn't much time left.

I guess what I am trying to say in this post is that sometimes our creativity takes a turn. I try to make every moment count creatively, even if I am not actually "producing" a piece. I try to live my life creatively. I take photos, I work in my yard, I sing to my granddaughter. These are all part of the creative process, just tweaked in a different direction. But they are all part of the process; part of the whole.

Create what you love and the rest will follow, right? It's ALL good!